Thursday, October 22, 2009

Car accident

Hey everyone.

Got into a nasty little wreck yesterday. Our car unfortunately is smushed but Charles, Reese and I are pretty much okay. So I guess I should be grateful for that. Of course, now the worry starts about how we are going to get another car.

Today I am at work and I'm not too sure what is going on with my head. I'm super dizzy and fuzzy minded. I am having a hard time concentrating on the smallest things. I don't know if I hit my head or not. There is no bump or anything but I've had a headache since it happened and now the dizziness. It's got me a bit concerned but I cannot afford to leave work because of it. I'm going to try and finish out my shift. At least tomorrow I only work a 4-5 hour shift and it's not until the evening. I just really hope I don't pass out, which is what it feels like I'm going to do.

I don't know if we're going to be able to take pictures of the car. The wreckers took it and it's being evaluated or whatever it is the insurance company does to it. We've got a rental right now and that's the only really good thing about all this. It's a pastel green VW Bug. It's so funny seeing Charles in it because he really doesn't like them at all. I've always loved them, although I prefer the older style.

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say right now. Just on a lunch break so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Feast or Famine

I have learned something about myself. I am not a good dieter. LOL, I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, but I don't mean it in the traditional way. Obviously I am not good at sticking to a diet. After awhile I get completely frustrated and bored with it, especially since a normal diet does not help me at all because of PCOS. What I really mean though, is that it's an all or nothing thing with me.

After getting up to 296 pounds I finally started taking Metformin. For awhile it wasn't doing any good at all, other than making me not feel too good. But I stuck with it and got my dose doubled. (Doc wanted to triple it but you have to take it with food and I cannot eat 3 meals a day!) Well, the weight has started to go down and for about a week I was losing about a pound every two days. Unlike most people who would be excited about that I just started stressing. You see, if I can lose 1 pound in two days, something in my brain thinks if I eat a bit less I can lose a pound in ONE day. And if I can lose a pound a day, why not TWO pounds a day, etc...

I think my head is back on track now, at least FOR now but I have to be so careful. I don't want to slip into bulimic thinking, or go the other way and give up because I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to.

On a totally different note,

I HAVE A JOB!!!!! After 6 years of going back and forth to Canada and working there...after not being allowed to work in the United States...I finally have my Green Card, SSN, and a job. I've even got my first paycheck, LMAO. I got a check for $25.85 for 3 hours worth of training and orientation. I have never been so proud of such a small amount. My "real" paychecks start at the end of next week, but this one was special. I even paid a teeny tiny bit of tax, lol.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I am...

bar⋅ren 
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.






—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.





See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste





That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?


In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?




I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.



How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?





I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.





So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Warning, personal "woman stuff" in this blog

Hi everyone! I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. There's been A LOT going on!





As you know, I had my immigration appointment and was told I needed another medical from an INS approved doctor. Well, thanks to a really cool lady (no names being given) I was able to get that last week. Everything turned out great and I've sent the medical packet off to INS but while I was seeing the doctor she decided to go ahead and just do a normal check up on top of the immigration medical. I told her about having PCOD (PCOS) and she immediately gave me a prescription for Metformin. Metformin works by changing the way the body processes sugars and carbs, which is a big cause of PCOD. I am on 500mgs once a day so far, but will ask to have my prescription doubled since I'm not having any problems at this dose at all. Some people go up to 2000mgs a day but I will probably stop at 1000mgs. I really hope I will soon start to see a difference.





I have also been on my period for 15 days now. I only started the Metformin 5 days ago so I know it's not because of that. Maybe my body is finally going to start doing what it's supposed to and this is just getting rid of all the crap that's built up over the years of not having a proper period. Every 6 months or so I've gotten a period that's just kind of like spotting; it lasts a couple days and than goes away for another half of a year. This one is not doing that, lol.





I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a beauty queen or a skinny mini model type person. I'd love to be a size 16-18....maybe 180-200 pounds. I would love to have the energy AND the ability to go jogging....or even to walk a couple of miles with Noelle. I would love to have my husband look at me and see beauty and sexiness. But more than even that, I would love to go to Walmart's plus size section and be able to try on an outfit without being embarrassed because they don't have it in my size.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Immigration and more

Hi everyone! I am finally done with my immigration interview. I can't believe it was only about 5 minutes! 6 years to wait for it and then when it finally came it was over with so quickly. It looks like everything is going to be okay. (big sigh of relief) I have to have another medical done, which sucks because I have to pay $175 but thanks to a special person I know it isn't going to be a problem. Once I send in the paperwork from the medical exam I SHOULD be getting my permanent residency (Green Card) in the mail. Then I can get a job and pay everyone back that has been so amazing with us.

The day before our appointment, which is two hours away, our car died. Not just a little death, but a big one. Completely impossible for us to fix. So Charles' Stepfather took us for the appointment. When we got home we got a phone call from Charles' sister who told us that she was going to lend us enough money for the down payment on a car. Amazing woman. I really love her and hope someday we can make her feel as good as she made us feel that day. So we've now got a 2005 Malibu Maxx called Maxine. She is gorgeous!!! It's a dark, metallic blue car but in some lights it appears to be purple. It's a hatchback and it's SHINY!!












lol, you have to forgive me. Our last car was a 1989 Oldsmobile and although she did as good as possible, she wasn't pretty. In fact, I named her Betty after the show Ugly Betty.
I'm sorry, I'm just really proud to be driving something that doesn't look like it should have been retired 10 years ago.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tattoo

So my appointment with USA Immigration is on Monday and I am terrified. They have so much power and there is not much I can do at this point other then hope. They could make it so that I have no choice but to move back to Canada.
If that happens I will lose everything. My husband, my home, even my dog since she is illegal in Ontario. One of the worst things is that I will lose my daughter. It will kill me if that happens because I do not know if I will ever see any of them again. Canada is a long way away and financially I can't see either Charles or Mary being able to get there very often, if at all. I want to cry every time I even think about it.

So Mary and I went yesterday and got matching tattoos. Now, just in case something does happen and I have to leave, we will have this lifetime memento of how much we mean to each other. The cherries are for our last name, the pentagram is me and the cross is her.




I think a big part of me is expecting to have to say goodbye. If I am denied my permanent residency here I don't even know how long they give me until I have to leave. I've just been falling apart lately and to protect myself from pain I'm doing the only thing I know how to do. I'm pulling my emotions back from the people here. Then maybe it won't feel as bad for any of us if I have to get on yet another plane and say goodbye.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Oh My God!!!!



So today I went to Wal-mart and decided to try on a bathing suit that I've been looking at for a few weeks now. I will not be getting it. I looked like a overstuffed sausage link. Nasty.

Okay, so you know how changing room lighting is horrible and it makes just about everyone look pasty and unhealthy? Well, I was having to look at myself in a full length mirror, with that ugly lighting, in a god-AWFUL bathing suit when I saw them.

I sat down and cried for a few minutes. Then every time I saw an older woman I had to fight the tears again. Yes, I am going white! I've been finding the odd white hair since I was about 19. Nothing to worry about.

Today, I found six, right together, at the center of my hairline above my forehead. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dyed my hair tonight. I am 29 years old and there is NO WAY I am going to have white hair for all the world to see!

Okay, that's enough of that. Here's some pictures of the new haircolour.

It's not quite as dark as it looks in the pics, but you get the idea.




Me being an idiot and posing all "sexy".

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tired woman

Can't sleep yet again. So many thoughts run through my mind this time of night and I can't shut them off. My immigration appointment is coming up on the 30th. This will decide if I am allowed to stay in the United States or if I will have to go back to Canada. So I'm nervous about that. Will my family stay together? What happens if I do have to go back? Will I lose my "Heart Dog"? Where would I go? Will I have to get a divorce from my husband? And of course, my insecurites about that. Maybe he'd be happy if I have to leave. Lord knows I'm not the easiest person to live with. Maybe my expectations of him are too high.

Then if I do get to stay, what will I do with the rest of my life? Will I end up being a 50 year old cashier regretting all the things I didn't do with myself? Will I ever have a child? Without medical that is HIGHLY unlikely and I will probably never get medical here. Will my relationship improve once the INS worries are gone? Not that it's bad now. I love him and I know he loves me, but after 6 years of struggling financially, being together constantly, and being two very, VERY different people, there are definitely issues there.

I hate not having any clue what my future holds, even the most basic things.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Beautiful women

Christina Ricci, BEFORE she became a bobblehead doll. Gorgeous woman.



Drew Barrymore...whether she is thin or curvy, she is always stunning.



Pauley Perrette...not afraid to be herself.



The next pics are random pictures I found on Google. I think they are amazingly beautiful.





My Mother...no matter what happens in her life she keeps going. And looks beautiful while doing it.



My Grandmother...she is an inspiration to me. She is such a strong woman but at the same time she makes sure we know that she loves us.



My Sister. I just wish SHE could see how beautiful she is.



And every once in awhile...my brother. (The blonde beside my Mother.) lmao, this was for Hallowe'en in '08 and I just HAD to put it up here.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sports illustrated swimsuit edition



So I'm going to challenge myself a little bit this year. If I can get the bathing suit I want (I have to get the money for it AND it has to fit) I'm going to take a pic of myself and put it up here. I need to come up with about $40 for it. No specific reason, I don't want empty compliments or anything like that, I just want to push myself a little extra to accept myself the way that I am. I need to start coming up with challenges and things to put myself in different situations. Sitting at home in my house dress is not going to help me at all. Don't worry, I'm not getting a bikini or anything. It's a normal, plus size bathing suit.


I am SO tired of hating myself and being angry at the world because of some bad choices that I have made. I've got two options, I either deal with my life the way that it is or I change it. A few things are not within my power at this time, some things are but I am not ready to make the changes I have to make but I can on others....like the way I see myself. So I'll try to work on that.


That's about all I've got to say right now. Hugs and kisses to everyone!








Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Not ready for this! and baby jealousy

Ugh! Today it got up to 84 Farenheit. That is 29 Celcius. It is FEBRUARY!!!! Summer in Texas means having a whore bath (using a cloth and cool, soapy water to wash the "stinky" parts) 3-4 times a day, actual showers at least once a day if not twice, not sleeping well, rashes in icky places, and not much exercise because I cannot handle heat. I don't want an early summer. If it was up to me there would only be three seasons, Spring, Fall and Winter.
Spring would last 6 months and the temp would range from 10C - 18C. (50F - 64F)
Fall would be 3 months and temps would be from -5Celcius up to about 10 degrees. (23F - 50F)
And Winter would be from -5 down to about -15. (23F - 5F) There WOULD be lots of snow for winter. It would also last about 3 months and would go from the beginning of November to the end of January.
I think even my Mom would be okay with that part although she really likes Summer. I don't think I am asking too much.


In other news, I have started taking Cinnamon and Chromium pills to help balance my sugars and carbs in my body. It might actually be working. I've lost about 5 pounds so far. I just have to remember to take it twice a day. I've never been really good about remembering my pills.


I had a dream the other night that every female in my household, even my spayed animals, were all pregnant except for me. I woke up in tears because sometimes it feels true. Everyone around me gets pregnant fairly easily and so many people in my life have children that they don't care for properly. To them their kids are just a "job" or a "nuisance". Accidents that they don't really want but have anyway. So many times I've had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt out that I will take their child from them. I know I can't do that because even though they don't really care about their kids, they wouldn't want anyone else to have them. It's like their children are property. When they are cute and sweet they love them, but when they misbehave or don't learn things just the way the parents want them to, they are "brats". I'd give anything to have a "brat" of my own.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Miracle of life...or curse?

Hi again!

As those who read my Bully Breed Buddies Blog know, one week ago I brought a rabbit home that I got from someone on Freecycle. They thought it was a little girl rabbit but well, it wasn't. It's a boy! I didn't find this out until after he had spent the whole day with our two females in their free run room. He has DEFINITELY mated with one of the females (that's how I found out he was male, lol) but I am not sure of the other. We have named him Cupid in honor of the time of year, AND his favorite pasttime!

So chances are almost 100 percent that we are going to have little baby bunnies running around in just a few more months. It takes about thirty days for the pregnancy but they do not leave the nest until about two weeks of age.

Normally I do not find myself in this kind of situation. All our dogs and cats are spayed or neutered and if I had thought to double check the new rabbit he would NOT have had access to our females. I don't agree with breeding random animals, especially when I'm not ready for them! I do have to admit though, even though I'm upset and nervous that this is happening, I'm also a little excited to have the miracle of life happening in my home.

lol, if it can't be me breeding like a rabbit, it might as well be my rabbit right?????

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What is PCOS?


For those of you who do not know what it is, let me explain a bit about PCOS.
PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal disorder among women. 6 to 10% of women have this disorder and do not know that they even have it.

This disorder can affect a woman's fertility, hormones, menstrual cycle, production of insulin, blood vessels, heart and appearance. There are ways that a doctor will be able to tell if a woman has PCOS by some of the characteristics that are presented. The characteristics that doctors look for are: the high levels of a male hormone, which can cause facial hair, irregular or no menstrual cycle and there may be some cysts on the ovaries. The cysts are fluid filled sacs.
No one knows the exact cause of PCOS. Women with PCOS frequently have a mother or sister with PCOS. But there is not yet enough evidence to say there is a genetic link to this disorder. Many women with PCOS have a weight problem. So researchers are looking at the relationship between PCOS and the body's ability to make insulin. Insulin is a hormone that regulates the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body's use or for storage. Since some women with PCOS make too much insulin, it's possible that the ovaries react by making too many male hormones, called androgens. This can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and ovulation problems.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. They may start to grow and accumulate fluid. But no one egg becomes large enough. Instead, some may remain as cysts. Since no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Also, the cysts produce male hormones, which continue to prevent ovulation.

There are certain signs and symptoms that determine if a woman has PCOS. Some of the signs are: absence of menstrual cycle or irregular cycles, infertility or no ability to become pregnant because of not being able to ovulate, increasing hair growth on the face or stomach, pelvic pain, acne or oily skin, extreme weight gain around the waist, type 2 diabetes (caused by the extreme weight gain in the mid section), high cholesterol, high blood pressure, thinning hair, patches of dark skin around the neck or arms, and sleep apnea. As far as the high cholesterol and high blood pressure, that is associated with the type 2 diabetes
There is no cure for PCOS; however, there are treatments to help manage this disorder. The ways that a woman can manage this disorder are: birth control pills, medication for diabetes such as metformin (glucophage), medicine for fertility, medicine for increased hair growth or extra male hormones, surgery and last but not least is getting down to a healthy weight.

Unfortunately, with disorder comes the risk of developing other serious conditions. Irregular menstrual periods and the absence of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Without progesterone, which causes the endometrium to shed each month as a menstrual period, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy bleeding or irregular bleeding. Eventually, this can lead to cancer. Women with PCOS are also at higher risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Getting the symptoms under control at an earlier age may help to reduce this risk.Right now, doctors are doing the best they can and doing more research about this disorder. There is hope for all the women who are faced with PCOS. There are doctors out there who specialize in the hormones and the reproductive system. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/240411/polycystic_ovarian_syndrome_definition.html?cat=52

I normally shave my face EVERY day to make sure that the hair is hidden. But I purposely left it alone for three days so I could take pics and post them on here.






Monday, January 19, 2009

PCOS could kill me

So I just found out some awful information about a disease I have called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. Apparantly it is one of the leading causes of uterine and cervical cancer. Because I am not able to be treated I am at an extremely high risk and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So now I have to deal with my weight, hair in places that hair doesn't belong, the inability to get pregnant, and a high chance of getting a "woman's" cancer. It kinda makes it seem like it just isn't worth it anymore.


I found out that because I have PCOS the ONLY way I can possibly lose weight is to go on a very strict "no white foods" diet. No carbs, sugar or dairy. That means no pasta, breads, cereal. Most of the soups I eat use milk. Almost everything we eat as a family has carb rich foods like bread and pasta in it because that is all we can afford. I'm almost 300 pounds and I feel like I am completely losing control of everything in my life. This blog was supposed to be about me accepting my body the way it is, but this is getting to be too much. It's ridiculous. I could accept myself at 225 or even 250 because then at least I could go into Wal-Mart and buy an outfit. But if this keeps going I won't even have that option.


On a happier note, the whole family got out for a nice walk with the dogs today. We went to Sike's Lake and just enjoyed the beautiful sunshine we are blessed with right now. It was so nice to get out with Charles and Mary and just do something that doesn't involve eating, TV or movies. Hopefully it's something we can start to do more often.


Anyway, I don't have anything else going on right now. Just trying to deal with this new load of information and keep my sanity.