Free flowing thoughts (kinda weird)

Life is so short. So often the days seem to drag on and on, and it doesn't seem like anything changes. But then one morning you wake up and nothing is the same anymore. I wonder why time is such a confusing thing.

Death, birth, life itself is constantly moving, and changing things. Who I am today is not the same person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow is unknown to me. All these thoughts are rushing through my head and while I want to figure them out, I love the feeling of just letting the flow take me where it wants me.

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral of a woman I knew fairly well. We had been friends but drifted apart when she moved away and I tried to help her daughter. It was too hard to be there for her child and still be her friend. I still cared about her a lot and saw a lot of good in her but she didn't or couldn't do right by this child. So I will go to her funeral and mourn with her family, hoping that she realizes that I did really care.

I say that I alienated her because of her attitude towards her daughter, but if I am truly honest then I have to admit that in the past few years I have been alienating everyone. I don't feel like I can be the friend that you all deserve, so I stick to myself and I don't allow anyone to get close to me. I have such a hard time committing to anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I am so damn lonely that it hurts. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I going crazy? Sometimes I wish I could just completely lose my mind. I'd love to just shut down and not worry about anything. I'd love to be shut in a padded room and not be inhibited. Just bounce off the walls, lol.

Anyway, this was kind of a weird entry but I wanted to write something. Thanks for reading and I promise to try and make more sense next time.

Pain and confusion, sounds like an emo song

So I lost one of my best friends on Sunday. Tacky has been with me since 1999 and has seen and heard so much of my heartache. I don't know what I'll do without him. He was one of the best cats I've ever had and I had him longer then any other animal. I know this has nothing to do with body image and all that but he was so important to me that I feel I need to write about him.

As far as my body image goes, it's been real low lately. I'm participating in this 4 week workshop called Figure Fabulous. A friend of mine is running it and asked me to help with a bunch of the behind the scenes stuff. For payment I got to attend the workshop for free. ($100 is what I would have to pay otherwise.) I thought maybe it would be okay, because the focus is supposed to be on the mind. But what I didn't realize is that the focus is actually on "Changing your mind to change your body". So basically it's going against everything I'm trying to do in my life, which is ACCEPT MYSELF THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS BODY!

I guess I still do want to lose weight, but I don't want it to be the whole reason for living. Life is too short. I just want to live it while I can. I have to admit, I would like to lose enough to feel comfortable again. As it is my stomach feels like a lead weight sitting on my lap. That part does drive me crazy. I don't know, I am just rambling at this point so I will sign off for now.

Hugs, kisses and belly bumps!

Introduction

Hey everyone! I guess I'm supposed to introduce myself a little bit on here, or at least explain my blogging. I am fighting a battle here and everywhere. This isn't a blog about losing weight. Yes, I go to the gym. Yes, I try to eat healthy. Therefore there's a chance that some weight loss may occur since this health stuff is all new to me. However, I'm not TRYING to lose weight. My whole life I've tried to lose weight and you know what? I've just kept gaining. I've tried every diet that I could. I've beat myself up. I'm not doing that anymore. My life focus is now to just be as healthy as I possibly can and to learn to love myself. That isn't easy. This blog is about THAT battle. Did you know that the average woman is a size 14? Not a 6, or a 4, and definitely not the 2 or 0 that the media tries to force on us. Did you know that in some countries, countries that have not been Americanized, fat is considered beautiful? Yup, it's seen as a sign of wealth to have a fat wife.

Now I'm not saying to sit around and eat chocolate and cake all day and expect to be healthy. You DO have to exercise. You DO have to eat healthy and as natural as possible. Trans fat is bad. High fructose corn syrup is even worse. Too much sugar, fat of any kind or calories is bad. But you don't have to starve to be healthy. You don't have to starve to be beautiful.

Anyway, that's me. My blog will be about my life and my struggle to feel pretty when the world tells me that I'm not.