Life is so short. So often the days seem to drag on and on, and it doesn't seem like anything changes. But then one morning you wake up and nothing is the same anymore. I wonder why time is such a confusing thing.
Death, birth, life itself is constantly moving, and changing things. Who I am today is not the same person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow is unknown to me. All these thoughts are rushing through my head and while I want to figure them out, I love the feeling of just letting the flow take me where it wants me.
Tomorrow I will attend a funeral of a woman I knew fairly well. We had been friends but drifted apart when she moved away and I tried to help her daughter. It was too hard to be there for her child and still be her friend. I still cared about her a lot and saw a lot of good in her but she didn't or couldn't do right by this child. So I will go to her funeral and mourn with her family, hoping that she realizes that I did really care.
I say that I alienated her because of her attitude towards her daughter, but if I am truly honest then I have to admit that in the past few years I have been alienating everyone. I don't feel like I can be the friend that you all deserve, so I stick to myself and I don't allow anyone to get close to me. I have such a hard time committing to anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I am so damn lonely that it hurts. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I going crazy? Sometimes I wish I could just completely lose my mind. I'd love to just shut down and not worry about anything. I'd love to be shut in a padded room and not be inhibited. Just bounce off the walls, lol.
Anyway, this was kind of a weird entry but I wanted to write something. Thanks for reading and I promise to try and make more sense next time.
