I am...

bar⋅ren 
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.





—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.





See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste





That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?


In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?




I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.



How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?





I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.





So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.