Car accident

Hey everyone.

Got into a nasty little wreck yesterday. Our car unfortunately is smushed but Charles, Reese and I are pretty much okay. So I guess I should be grateful for that. Of course, now the worry starts about how we are going to get another car.

Today I am at work and I'm not too sure what is going on with my head. I'm super dizzy and fuzzy minded. I am having a hard time concentrating on the smallest things. I don't know if I hit my head or not. There is no bump or anything but I've had a headache since it happened and now the dizziness. It's got me a bit concerned but I cannot afford to leave work because of it. I'm going to try and finish out my shift. At least tomorrow I only work a 4-5 hour shift and it's not until the evening. I just really hope I don't pass out, which is what it feels like I'm going to do.

I don't know if we're going to be able to take pictures of the car. The wreckers took it and it's being evaluated or whatever it is the insurance company does to it. We've got a rental right now and that's the only really good thing about all this. It's a pastel green VW Bug. It's so funny seeing Charles in it because he really doesn't like them at all. I've always loved them, although I prefer the older style.

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say right now. Just on a lunch break so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Feast or Famine

I have learned something about myself. I am not a good dieter. LOL, I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, but I don't mean it in the traditional way. Obviously I am not good at sticking to a diet. After awhile I get completely frustrated and bored with it, especially since a normal diet does not help me at all because of PCOS. What I really mean though, is that it's an all or nothing thing with me.

After getting up to 296 pounds I finally started taking Metformin. For awhile it wasn't doing any good at all, other than making me not feel too good. But I stuck with it and got my dose doubled. (Doc wanted to triple it but you have to take it with food and I cannot eat 3 meals a day!) Well, the weight has started to go down and for about a week I was losing about a pound every two days. Unlike most people who would be excited about that I just started stressing. You see, if I can lose 1 pound in two days, something in my brain thinks if I eat a bit less I can lose a pound in ONE day. And if I can lose a pound a day, why not TWO pounds a day, etc...

I think my head is back on track now, at least FOR now but I have to be so careful. I don't want to slip into bulimic thinking, or go the other way and give up because I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to.

On a totally different note,

I HAVE A JOB!!!!! After 6 years of going back and forth to Canada and working there...after not being allowed to work in the United States...I finally have my Green Card, SSN, and a job. I've even got my first paycheck, LMAO. I got a check for $25.85 for 3 hours worth of training and orientation. I have never been so proud of such a small amount. My "real" paychecks start at the end of next week, but this one was special. I even paid a teeny tiny bit of tax, lol.

I am...

bar⋅ren 
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.





—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.





See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste





That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?


In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?




I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.



How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?





I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.





So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.

Warning, personal "woman stuff" in this blog

Hi everyone! I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. There's been A LOT going on!





As you know, I had my immigration appointment and was told I needed another medical from an INS approved doctor. Well, thanks to a really cool lady (no names being given) I was able to get that last week. Everything turned out great and I've sent the medical packet off to INS but while I was seeing the doctor she decided to go ahead and just do a normal check up on top of the immigration medical. I told her about having PCOD (PCOS) and she immediately gave me a prescription for Metformin. Metformin works by changing the way the body processes sugars and carbs, which is a big cause of PCOD. I am on 500mgs once a day so far, but will ask to have my prescription doubled since I'm not having any problems at this dose at all. Some people go up to 2000mgs a day but I will probably stop at 1000mgs. I really hope I will soon start to see a difference.





I have also been on my period for 15 days now. I only started the Metformin 5 days ago so I know it's not because of that. Maybe my body is finally going to start doing what it's supposed to and this is just getting rid of all the crap that's built up over the years of not having a proper period. Every 6 months or so I've gotten a period that's just kind of like spotting; it lasts a couple days and than goes away for another half of a year. This one is not doing that, lol.





I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a beauty queen or a skinny mini model type person. I'd love to be a size 16-18....maybe 180-200 pounds. I would love to have the energy AND the ability to go jogging....or even to walk a couple of miles with Noelle. I would love to have my husband look at me and see beauty and sexiness. But more than even that, I would love to go to Walmart's plus size section and be able to try on an outfit without being embarrassed because they don't have it in my size.

Immigration and more

Hi everyone! I am finally done with my immigration interview. I can't believe it was only about 5 minutes! 6 years to wait for it and then when it finally came it was over with so quickly. It looks like everything is going to be okay. (big sigh of relief) I have to have another medical done, which sucks because I have to pay $175 but thanks to a special person I know it isn't going to be a problem. Once I send in the paperwork from the medical exam I SHOULD be getting my permanent residency (Green Card) in the mail. Then I can get a job and pay everyone back that has been so amazing with us.

The day before our appointment, which is two hours away, our car died. Not just a little death, but a big one. Completely impossible for us to fix. So Charles' Stepfather took us for the appointment. When we got home we got a phone call from Charles' sister who told us that she was going to lend us enough money for the down payment on a car. Amazing woman. I really love her and hope someday we can make her feel as good as she made us feel that day. So we've now got a 2005 Malibu Maxx called Maxine. She is gorgeous!!! It's a dark, metallic blue car but in some lights it appears to be purple. It's a hatchback and it's SHINY!!

lol, you have to forgive me. Our last car was a 1989 Oldsmobile and although she did as good as possible, she wasn't pretty. In fact, I named her Betty after the show Ugly Betty.

I'm sorry, I'm just really proud to be driving something that doesn't look like it should have been retired 10 years ago.

Tattoo

So my appointment with USA Immigration is on Monday and I am terrified. They have so much power and there is not much I can do at this point other then hope. They could make it so that I have no choice but to move back to Canada.

If that happens I will lose everything. My husband, my home, even my dog since she is illegal in Ontario. One of the worst things is that I will lose my daughter. It will kill me if that happens because I do not know if I will ever see any of them again. Canada is a long way away and financially I can't see either Charles or Mary being able to get there very often, if at all. I want to cry every time I even think about it.

So Mary and I went yesterday and got matching tattoos. Now, just in case something does happen and I have to leave, we will have this lifetime memento of how much we mean to each other. The cherries are for our last name, the pentagram is me and the cross is her.

I think a big part of me is expecting to have to say goodbye. If I am denied my permanent residency here I don't even know how long they give me until I have to leave. I've just been falling apart lately and to protect myself from pain I'm doing the only thing I know how to do. I'm pulling my emotions back from the people here. Then maybe it won't feel as bad for any of us if I have to get on yet another plane and say goodbye.

Oh My God!!!!

So today I went to Wal-mart and decided to try on a bathing suit that I've been looking at for a few weeks now. I will not be getting it. I looked like a overstuffed sausage link. Nasty.

Okay, so you know how changing room lighting is horrible and it makes just about everyone look pasty and unhealthy? Well, I was having to look at myself in a full length mirror, with that ugly lighting, in a god-AWFUL bathing suit when I saw them.

I sat down and cried for a few minutes. Then every time I saw an older woman I had to fight the tears again. Yes, I am going white! I've been finding the odd white hair since I was about 19. Nothing to worry about.

Today, I found six, right together, at the center of my hairline above my forehead. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dyed my hair tonight. I am 29 years old and there is NO WAY I am going to have white hair for all the world to see!

Okay, that's enough of that. Here's some pictures of the new haircolour.

It's not quite as dark as it looks in the pics, but you get the idea.

Me being an idiot and posing all "sexy".