I am...

bar⋅ren 
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.





—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.





See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste





That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?


In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?




I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.



How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?





I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.





So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.

Not ready for this! and baby jealousy

Ugh! Today it got up to 84 Farenheit. That is 29 Celcius. It is FEBRUARY!!!! Summer in Texas means having a whore bath (using a cloth and cool, soapy water to wash the "stinky" parts) 3-4 times a day, actual showers at least once a day if not twice, not sleeping well, rashes in icky places, and not much exercise because I cannot handle heat. I don't want an early summer. If it was up to me there would only be three seasons, Spring, Fall and Winter.

Spring would last 6 months and the temp would range from 10C - 18C. (50F - 64F)

Fall would be 3 months and temps would be from -5Celcius up to about 10 degrees. (23F - 50F)

And Winter would be from -5 down to about -15. (23F - 5F) There WOULD be lots of snow for winter. It would also last about 3 months and would go from the beginning of November to the end of January.

I think even my Mom would be okay with that part although she really likes Summer. I don't think I am asking too much.

In other news, I have started taking Cinnamon and Chromium pills to help balance my sugars and carbs in my body. It might actually be working. I've lost about 5 pounds so far. I just have to remember to take it twice a day. I've never been really good about remembering my pills.

I had a dream the other night that every female in my household, even my spayed animals, were all pregnant except for me. I woke up in tears because sometimes it feels true. Everyone around me gets pregnant fairly easily and so many people in my life have children that they don't care for properly. To them their kids are just a "job" or a "nuisance". Accidents that they don't really want but have anyway. So many times I've had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt out that I will take their child from them. I know I can't do that because even though they don't really care about their kids, they wouldn't want anyone else to have them. It's like their children are property. When they are cute and sweet they love them, but when they misbehave or don't learn things just the way the parents want them to, they are "brats". I'd give anything to have a "brat" of my own.

What is PCOS?

For those of you who do not know what it is, let me explain a bit about PCOS.

PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal disorder among women. 6 to 10% of women have this disorder and do not know that they even have it.

This disorder can affect a woman's fertility, hormones, menstrual cycle, production of insulin, blood vessels, heart and appearance. There are ways that a doctor will be able to tell if a woman has PCOS by some of the characteristics that are presented. The characteristics that doctors look for are: the high levels of a male hormone, which can cause facial hair, irregular or no menstrual cycle and there may be some cysts on the ovaries. The cysts are fluid filled sacs.

No one knows the exact cause of PCOS. Women with PCOS frequently have a mother or sister with PCOS. But there is not yet enough evidence to say there is a genetic link to this disorder. Many women with PCOS have a weight problem. So researchers are looking at the relationship between PCOS and the body's ability to make insulin. Insulin is a hormone that regulates the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body's use or for storage. Since some women with PCOS make too much insulin, it's possible that the ovaries react by making too many male hormones, called androgens. This can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and ovulation problems.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. They may start to grow and accumulate fluid. But no one egg becomes large enough. Instead, some may remain as cysts. Since no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Also, the cysts produce male hormones, which continue to prevent ovulation.

There are certain signs and symptoms that determine if a woman has PCOS. Some of the signs are: absence of menstrual cycle or irregular cycles, infertility or no ability to become pregnant because of not being able to ovulate, increasing hair growth on the face or stomach, pelvic pain, acne or oily skin, extreme weight gain around the waist, type 2 diabetes (caused by the extreme weight gain in the mid section), high cholesterol, high blood pressure, thinning hair, patches of dark skin around the neck or arms, and sleep apnea. As far as the high cholesterol and high blood pressure, that is associated with the type 2 diabetes

There is no cure for PCOS; however, there are treatments to help manage this disorder. The ways that a woman can manage this disorder are: birth control pills, medication for diabetes such as metformin (glucophage), medicine for fertility, medicine for increased hair growth or extra male hormones, surgery and last but not least is getting down to a healthy weight.

Unfortunately, with disorder comes the risk of developing other serious conditions. Irregular menstrual periods and the absence of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Without progesterone, which causes the endometrium to shed each month as a menstrual period, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy bleeding or irregular bleeding. Eventually, this can lead to cancer. Women with PCOS are also at higher risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Getting the symptoms under control at an earlier age may help to reduce this risk.Right now, doctors are doing the best they can and doing more research about this disorder. There is hope for all the women who are faced with PCOS. There are doctors out there who specialize in the hormones and the reproductive system. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/240411/polycystic_ovarian_syndrome_definition.html?cat=52

I normally shave my face EVERY day to make sure that the hair is hidden. But I purposely left it alone for three days so I could take pics and post them on here.