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It's been forever since I've posted!

I just got back from a month long vacation to my hometown. I miss it so much and cannot seem to figure out why I ever left. I drove into town and suddenly felt my muscles relax and excitement grow all at the same time. I didn't feel like I had to be anything other than what I am. The people in this town know me and love me for who I am. It's nice having a place like that to go to when the world gets to be too much.

Down South I feel like I'm always pretending when I'm out in public. I have to monitor myself so that I'm not too loud, too outspoken, too myself. I just don't see myself ever finding that place that I truly fit in here. Don't get me wrong, I love so many people here and I'm thankful to have met them. But I often wonder if they'd really want anything to do with me if I was completely and totally me, or would I just scare them off or offend them?

Anyway, here's a few pics of my trip and some of the people I got to reconnect with. My Mother got married, my Grandmother fought and is beating cancer (Yayy!) and my brother won his softball tournament while I was there. So all in all it was a great trip.

Top: My Mother, Grandmother and Uncle

Bottom: Myself and my Brother

My niece Hailey, we did an afternoon photoshoot just for fun. The pics turned out great and I had an awesome time with her.

The waterfalls on Cascade Street...one of my favourite places growing up.


Hailey again with my oldest niece Vicki. Aren't they absolutely beautiful?

Unfortunately on the way home I ended up dropped of in Des Moines, Iowa at 12:30 in the middle of the night. While waiting for my next bus, which was due to arrive at 1:30 I had a man who called himself "Walking Eagle" try and take my wallet and rape me. He shook me up quite a bit but thankfully some people showed up to catch their bus and called the police. They stopped him from hurting me, let me sit in their car until a bus (not even mine, mine just didn't show at all) finally arrived at 4:30, and because of them I got my wallet back.

Then, while driving through Oklahoma we encountered really bad storms and tornado activity. My daughter, husband and his service dog Fiona ended up having to hide out in a storm shelter while waiting for my bus to arrive. We are all okay though and now I'm home with them.

Giving up

So I did the work, paid the fees and got my GED. I was so proud of myself for finally doing it. But it doesn't seem to have done me a damn bit of good. I have applied EVERYWHERE! I have called and bugged businesses to hire me the way I'm supposed to do. I've applied for jobs that I know I would hate, just so I could have a paycheck coming in. But no one wants me. We need at least $200 just to get through the next couple weeks and we have nothing and no way to get help. I just want to give up. Pack it all in and hope the "next life" is better than this one. I can't do this anymore. Obviously I won't take that route because it would hurt people that I love and I can't do that. But I want to.

Too long (blog and poem)

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long since I've written anything. Wow! My life has changed a lot since the last time I was on here.





I guess the worst thing was that I got fired from my job. I TOTALLY 100% deserved it and I have no bad feelings towards the company or the people there. Back in August I was pretty sick with my kidneys and had to have 3 surgeries in 4 weeks. It sucked! I was missing A LOT of work so obviously my pay was really low. On top of that I was on some pretty serious pain medicine and I HAD to take food with it. Well, I tried to go to work without the pills because they made my brain really fuzzy and all I wanted to do was sleep when I took them. Unfortunately I wasn't ready to go without them :( I was feeling so much pain and had to have my pills but had absolutely no money so I took a $10 gift card that had been set aside for a prize but never picked up. I got caught and December 2nd the boss fired me. I was absolutely devestated and had no one to blame but myself.





I have spent the past month fighting extreme depression and sometimes even feeling suicidal. I have not found another job yet and the bills are piling up higher and higher. We also lost the $500 we got from Social Security for Mary because she is 19 now. I am so afraid that we are going to end up without food for ourselves or our animals. Our animals mean the world to me. There are so many times that it feels like the only one I have that I can reach out to is Noelle, my American Pit Bull Terrier. She's a handful, but she is my heart dog. Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who loves me very much. And I love him so much. So much that it hurts sometimes. But I have disappointed him so many times, in so many ways, that I think we have lost the way to each other sometimes. Neither of us were ready for each other I think. But now we are married and we love each other. Neither of us is willing to give up on our marriage, not so long as there is love.





Anyway, last week I made a decision that my life had to change. One way or another I could not continue to live the life I have been living. Either I was going to have to do something to change it positively or I was going to end up giving into the urge to kill myself. I have fought suicide for my whole life it seems and I just cannot let myself give up. I would hurt too many people. So, I was filling out yet another job application and the question came up. What grade have you completed?





I left high school part way through grade 12 because of my depression and anxiety. I couldn't handle it. I have spent so many years embarrassed and ashamed because no matter what the reasons were, technically I am a "High School Dropout". Not a title to be proud of. So when that question came up again I decided that I've had enough. I called this place called Region 9 and got signed up for GED courses. I did my Orientation on Friday and my practice test and today I went to get the results and find out where my weak points are. Apparantly I do not have any!





There were 4 tests and if it had been the actual GED I would have needed 56% to pass them. I got a 96%, a 92%, and two 86%. I scored higher than 99% of graduating high school students. So I will still be doing a few courses just to get the highest marks I can possibly achieve. But if I can ever figure out how to get the money I am going to be getting my education finally. And THEN, I am going to...COLLEGE!!! I am going to get whatever loans I am eligible for and I'm going to be something more than a cashier. I want to be someone that makes a difference, and not just this person that needs others to help ME. I want to be the one who steps in and helps friends and family get what they need to survive, instead of always being the one reaching for that hand out. I cannot wait for this new life to begin.





I wrote a poem during one the breaks at Orientation. I think it summerizes how I've been feeling perfectly.

Growing,

Finally growing into myself.

My wants, my needs, all my ambitions,

Are starting to take shape.

To form this person, this woman,

This woman that has always been,

Yes, always been a part of me.

She's been trapped,

Trapped inside this shell of myself

For far too long.

I am finished.

Finished with giving up, with quitting.

Now is the time.

Now is MY time!

I will flourish in this new place.

A garden which I have created.

I will be at peace.

Free.

I will free myself from pain.

Confusion.

Uncertainty.

I am myself.

I am me.

And I am finally, finally,

Forever free.

Car accident

Hey everyone.

Got into a nasty little wreck yesterday. Our car unfortunately is smushed but Charles, Reese and I are pretty much okay. So I guess I should be grateful for that. Of course, now the worry starts about how we are going to get another car.

Today I am at work and I'm not too sure what is going on with my head. I'm super dizzy and fuzzy minded. I am having a hard time concentrating on the smallest things. I don't know if I hit my head or not. There is no bump or anything but I've had a headache since it happened and now the dizziness. It's got me a bit concerned but I cannot afford to leave work because of it. I'm going to try and finish out my shift. At least tomorrow I only work a 4-5 hour shift and it's not until the evening. I just really hope I don't pass out, which is what it feels like I'm going to do.

I don't know if we're going to be able to take pictures of the car. The wreckers took it and it's being evaluated or whatever it is the insurance company does to it. We've got a rental right now and that's the only really good thing about all this. It's a pastel green VW Bug. It's so funny seeing Charles in it because he really doesn't like them at all. I've always loved them, although I prefer the older style.

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say right now. Just on a lunch break so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Feast or Famine

I have learned something about myself. I am not a good dieter. LOL, I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, but I don't mean it in the traditional way. Obviously I am not good at sticking to a diet. After awhile I get completely frustrated and bored with it, especially since a normal diet does not help me at all because of PCOS. What I really mean though, is that it's an all or nothing thing with me.

After getting up to 296 pounds I finally started taking Metformin. For awhile it wasn't doing any good at all, other than making me not feel too good. But I stuck with it and got my dose doubled. (Doc wanted to triple it but you have to take it with food and I cannot eat 3 meals a day!) Well, the weight has started to go down and for about a week I was losing about a pound every two days. Unlike most people who would be excited about that I just started stressing. You see, if I can lose 1 pound in two days, something in my brain thinks if I eat a bit less I can lose a pound in ONE day. And if I can lose a pound a day, why not TWO pounds a day, etc...

I think my head is back on track now, at least FOR now but I have to be so careful. I don't want to slip into bulimic thinking, or go the other way and give up because I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to.

On a totally different note,

I HAVE A JOB!!!!! After 6 years of going back and forth to Canada and working there...after not being allowed to work in the United States...I finally have my Green Card, SSN, and a job. I've even got my first paycheck, LMAO. I got a check for $25.85 for 3 hours worth of training and orientation. I have never been so proud of such a small amount. My "real" paychecks start at the end of next week, but this one was special. I even paid a teeny tiny bit of tax, lol.

I am...

bar⋅ren 
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.





—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.





See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste





That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?


In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?




I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.



How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?





I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.





So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.

Warning, personal "woman stuff" in this blog

Hi everyone! I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. There's been A LOT going on!





As you know, I had my immigration appointment and was told I needed another medical from an INS approved doctor. Well, thanks to a really cool lady (no names being given) I was able to get that last week. Everything turned out great and I've sent the medical packet off to INS but while I was seeing the doctor she decided to go ahead and just do a normal check up on top of the immigration medical. I told her about having PCOD (PCOS) and she immediately gave me a prescription for Metformin. Metformin works by changing the way the body processes sugars and carbs, which is a big cause of PCOD. I am on 500mgs once a day so far, but will ask to have my prescription doubled since I'm not having any problems at this dose at all. Some people go up to 2000mgs a day but I will probably stop at 1000mgs. I really hope I will soon start to see a difference.





I have also been on my period for 15 days now. I only started the Metformin 5 days ago so I know it's not because of that. Maybe my body is finally going to start doing what it's supposed to and this is just getting rid of all the crap that's built up over the years of not having a proper period. Every 6 months or so I've gotten a period that's just kind of like spotting; it lasts a couple days and than goes away for another half of a year. This one is not doing that, lol.





I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a beauty queen or a skinny mini model type person. I'd love to be a size 16-18....maybe 180-200 pounds. I would love to have the energy AND the ability to go jogging....or even to walk a couple of miles with Noelle. I would love to have my husband look at me and see beauty and sexiness. But more than even that, I would love to go to Walmart's plus size section and be able to try on an outfit without being embarrassed because they don't have it in my size.