Tattoo

So my appointment with USA Immigration is on Monday and I am terrified. They have so much power and there is not much I can do at this point other then hope. They could make it so that I have no choice but to move back to Canada.

If that happens I will lose everything. My husband, my home, even my dog since she is illegal in Ontario. One of the worst things is that I will lose my daughter. It will kill me if that happens because I do not know if I will ever see any of them again. Canada is a long way away and financially I can't see either Charles or Mary being able to get there very often, if at all. I want to cry every time I even think about it.

So Mary and I went yesterday and got matching tattoos. Now, just in case something does happen and I have to leave, we will have this lifetime memento of how much we mean to each other. The cherries are for our last name, the pentagram is me and the cross is her.

I think a big part of me is expecting to have to say goodbye. If I am denied my permanent residency here I don't even know how long they give me until I have to leave. I've just been falling apart lately and to protect myself from pain I'm doing the only thing I know how to do. I'm pulling my emotions back from the people here. Then maybe it won't feel as bad for any of us if I have to get on yet another plane and say goodbye.

Oh My God!!!!

So today I went to Wal-mart and decided to try on a bathing suit that I've been looking at for a few weeks now. I will not be getting it. I looked like a overstuffed sausage link. Nasty.

Okay, so you know how changing room lighting is horrible and it makes just about everyone look pasty and unhealthy? Well, I was having to look at myself in a full length mirror, with that ugly lighting, in a god-AWFUL bathing suit when I saw them.

I sat down and cried for a few minutes. Then every time I saw an older woman I had to fight the tears again. Yes, I am going white! I've been finding the odd white hair since I was about 19. Nothing to worry about.

Today, I found six, right together, at the center of my hairline above my forehead. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dyed my hair tonight. I am 29 years old and there is NO WAY I am going to have white hair for all the world to see!

Okay, that's enough of that. Here's some pictures of the new haircolour.

It's not quite as dark as it looks in the pics, but you get the idea.

Me being an idiot and posing all "sexy".

Tired woman

Can't sleep yet again. So many thoughts run through my mind this time of night and I can't shut them off. My immigration appointment is coming up on the 30th. This will decide if I am allowed to stay in the United States or if I will have to go back to Canada. So I'm nervous about that. Will my family stay together? What happens if I do have to go back? Will I lose my "Heart Dog"? Where would I go? Will I have to get a divorce from my husband? And of course, my insecurites about that. Maybe he'd be happy if I have to leave. Lord knows I'm not the easiest person to live with. Maybe my expectations of him are too high.

Then if I do get to stay, what will I do with the rest of my life? Will I end up being a 50 year old cashier regretting all the things I didn't do with myself? Will I ever have a child? Without medical that is HIGHLY unlikely and I will probably never get medical here. Will my relationship improve once the INS worries are gone? Not that it's bad now. I love him and I know he loves me, but after 6 years of struggling financially, being together constantly, and being two very, VERY different people, there are definitely issues there.

I hate not having any clue what my future holds, even the most basic things.

Beautiful women

Christina Ricci, BEFORE she became a bobblehead doll. Gorgeous woman.



Drew Barrymore...whether she is thin or curvy, she is always stunning.



Pauley Perrette...not afraid to be herself.



The next pics are random pictures I found on Google. I think they are amazingly beautiful.





My Mother...no matter what happens in her life she keeps going. And looks beautiful while doing it.



My Grandmother...she is an inspiration to me. She is such a strong woman but at the same time she makes sure we know that she loves us.



My Sister. I just wish SHE could see how beautiful she is.



And every once in awhile...my brother. (The blonde beside my Mother.) lmao, this was for Hallowe'en in '08 and I just HAD to put it up here.

Sports illustrated swimsuit edition

So I'm going to challenge myself a little bit this year. If I can get the bathing suit I want (I have to get the money for it AND it has to fit) I'm going to take a pic of myself and put it up here. I need to come up with about $40 for it. No specific reason, I don't want empty compliments or anything like that, I just want to push myself a little extra to accept myself the way that I am. I need to start coming up with challenges and things to put myself in different situations. Sitting at home in my house dress is not going to help me at all. Don't worry, I'm not getting a bikini or anything. It's a normal, plus size bathing suit.

I am SO tired of hating myself and being angry at the world because of some bad choices that I have made. I've got two options, I either deal with my life the way that it is or I change it. A few things are not within my power at this time, some things are but I am not ready to make the changes I have to make but I can on others....like the way I see myself. So I'll try to work on that.

That's about all I've got to say right now. Hugs and kisses to everyone!