Beautiful women

Christina Ricci, BEFORE she became a bobblehead doll. Gorgeous woman.



Drew Barrymore...whether she is thin or curvy, she is always stunning.



Pauley Perrette...not afraid to be herself.



The next pics are random pictures I found on Google. I think they are amazingly beautiful.





My Mother...no matter what happens in her life she keeps going. And looks beautiful while doing it.



My Grandmother...she is an inspiration to me. She is such a strong woman but at the same time she makes sure we know that she loves us.



My Sister. I just wish SHE could see how beautiful she is.



And every once in awhile...my brother. (The blonde beside my Mother.) lmao, this was for Hallowe'en in '08 and I just HAD to put it up here.

Sports illustrated swimsuit edition

So I'm going to challenge myself a little bit this year. If I can get the bathing suit I want (I have to get the money for it AND it has to fit) I'm going to take a pic of myself and put it up here. I need to come up with about $40 for it. No specific reason, I don't want empty compliments or anything like that, I just want to push myself a little extra to accept myself the way that I am. I need to start coming up with challenges and things to put myself in different situations. Sitting at home in my house dress is not going to help me at all. Don't worry, I'm not getting a bikini or anything. It's a normal, plus size bathing suit.

I am SO tired of hating myself and being angry at the world because of some bad choices that I have made. I've got two options, I either deal with my life the way that it is or I change it. A few things are not within my power at this time, some things are but I am not ready to make the changes I have to make but I can on others....like the way I see myself. So I'll try to work on that.

That's about all I've got to say right now. Hugs and kisses to everyone!

Not ready for this! and baby jealousy

Ugh! Today it got up to 84 Farenheit. That is 29 Celcius. It is FEBRUARY!!!! Summer in Texas means having a whore bath (using a cloth and cool, soapy water to wash the "stinky" parts) 3-4 times a day, actual showers at least once a day if not twice, not sleeping well, rashes in icky places, and not much exercise because I cannot handle heat. I don't want an early summer. If it was up to me there would only be three seasons, Spring, Fall and Winter.

Spring would last 6 months and the temp would range from 10C - 18C. (50F - 64F)

Fall would be 3 months and temps would be from -5Celcius up to about 10 degrees. (23F - 50F)

And Winter would be from -5 down to about -15. (23F - 5F) There WOULD be lots of snow for winter. It would also last about 3 months and would go from the beginning of November to the end of January.

I think even my Mom would be okay with that part although she really likes Summer. I don't think I am asking too much.

In other news, I have started taking Cinnamon and Chromium pills to help balance my sugars and carbs in my body. It might actually be working. I've lost about 5 pounds so far. I just have to remember to take it twice a day. I've never been really good about remembering my pills.

I had a dream the other night that every female in my household, even my spayed animals, were all pregnant except for me. I woke up in tears because sometimes it feels true. Everyone around me gets pregnant fairly easily and so many people in my life have children that they don't care for properly. To them their kids are just a "job" or a "nuisance". Accidents that they don't really want but have anyway. So many times I've had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt out that I will take their child from them. I know I can't do that because even though they don't really care about their kids, they wouldn't want anyone else to have them. It's like their children are property. When they are cute and sweet they love them, but when they misbehave or don't learn things just the way the parents want them to, they are "brats". I'd give anything to have a "brat" of my own.

Miracle of life...or curse?

Hi again!

As those who read my Bully Breed Buddies Blog know, one week ago I brought a rabbit home that I got from someone on Freecycle. They thought it was a little girl rabbit but well, it wasn't. It's a boy! I didn't find this out until after he had spent the whole day with our two females in their free run room. He has DEFINITELY mated with one of the females (that's how I found out he was male, lol) but I am not sure of the other. We have named him Cupid in honor of the time of year, AND his favorite pasttime!

So chances are almost 100 percent that we are going to have little baby bunnies running around in just a few more months. It takes about thirty days for the pregnancy but they do not leave the nest until about two weeks of age.

Normally I do not find myself in this kind of situation. All our dogs and cats are spayed or neutered and if I had thought to double check the new rabbit he would NOT have had access to our females. I don't agree with breeding random animals, especially when I'm not ready for them! I do have to admit though, even though I'm upset and nervous that this is happening, I'm also a little excited to have the miracle of life happening in my home.

lol, if it can't be me breeding like a rabbit, it might as well be my rabbit right?????

What is PCOS?

For those of you who do not know what it is, let me explain a bit about PCOS.

PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal disorder among women. 6 to 10% of women have this disorder and do not know that they even have it.

This disorder can affect a woman's fertility, hormones, menstrual cycle, production of insulin, blood vessels, heart and appearance. There are ways that a doctor will be able to tell if a woman has PCOS by some of the characteristics that are presented. The characteristics that doctors look for are: the high levels of a male hormone, which can cause facial hair, irregular or no menstrual cycle and there may be some cysts on the ovaries. The cysts are fluid filled sacs.

No one knows the exact cause of PCOS. Women with PCOS frequently have a mother or sister with PCOS. But there is not yet enough evidence to say there is a genetic link to this disorder. Many women with PCOS have a weight problem. So researchers are looking at the relationship between PCOS and the body's ability to make insulin. Insulin is a hormone that regulates the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body's use or for storage. Since some women with PCOS make too much insulin, it's possible that the ovaries react by making too many male hormones, called androgens. This can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and ovulation problems.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. They may start to grow and accumulate fluid. But no one egg becomes large enough. Instead, some may remain as cysts. Since no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Also, the cysts produce male hormones, which continue to prevent ovulation.

There are certain signs and symptoms that determine if a woman has PCOS. Some of the signs are: absence of menstrual cycle or irregular cycles, infertility or no ability to become pregnant because of not being able to ovulate, increasing hair growth on the face or stomach, pelvic pain, acne or oily skin, extreme weight gain around the waist, type 2 diabetes (caused by the extreme weight gain in the mid section), high cholesterol, high blood pressure, thinning hair, patches of dark skin around the neck or arms, and sleep apnea. As far as the high cholesterol and high blood pressure, that is associated with the type 2 diabetes

There is no cure for PCOS; however, there are treatments to help manage this disorder. The ways that a woman can manage this disorder are: birth control pills, medication for diabetes such as metformin (glucophage), medicine for fertility, medicine for increased hair growth or extra male hormones, surgery and last but not least is getting down to a healthy weight.

Unfortunately, with disorder comes the risk of developing other serious conditions. Irregular menstrual periods and the absence of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Without progesterone, which causes the endometrium to shed each month as a menstrual period, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy bleeding or irregular bleeding. Eventually, this can lead to cancer. Women with PCOS are also at higher risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Getting the symptoms under control at an earlier age may help to reduce this risk.Right now, doctors are doing the best they can and doing more research about this disorder. There is hope for all the women who are faced with PCOS. There are doctors out there who specialize in the hormones and the reproductive system. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/240411/polycystic_ovarian_syndrome_definition.html?cat=52

I normally shave my face EVERY day to make sure that the hair is hidden. But I purposely left it alone for three days so I could take pics and post them on here.

PCOS could kill me

So I just found out some awful information about a disease I have called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. Apparantly it is one of the leading causes of uterine and cervical cancer. Because I am not able to be treated I am at an extremely high risk and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So now I have to deal with my weight, hair in places that hair doesn't belong, the inability to get pregnant, and a high chance of getting a "woman's" cancer. It kinda makes it seem like it just isn't worth it anymore.

I found out that because I have PCOS the ONLY way I can possibly lose weight is to go on a very strict "no white foods" diet. No carbs, sugar or dairy. That means no pasta, breads, cereal. Most of the soups I eat use milk. Almost everything we eat as a family has carb rich foods like bread and pasta in it because that is all we can afford. I'm almost 300 pounds and I feel like I am completely losing control of everything in my life. This blog was supposed to be about me accepting my body the way it is, but this is getting to be too much. It's ridiculous. I could accept myself at 225 or even 250 because then at least I could go into Wal-Mart and buy an outfit. But if this keeps going I won't even have that option.

On a happier note, the whole family got out for a nice walk with the dogs today. We went to Sike's Lake and just enjoyed the beautiful sunshine we are blessed with right now. It was so nice to get out with Charles and Mary and just do something that doesn't involve eating, TV or movies. Hopefully it's something we can start to do more often.

Anyway, I don't have anything else going on right now. Just trying to deal with this new load of information and keep my sanity.

Free flowing thoughts (kinda weird)

Life is so short. So often the days seem to drag on and on, and it doesn't seem like anything changes. But then one morning you wake up and nothing is the same anymore. I wonder why time is such a confusing thing.

Death, birth, life itself is constantly moving, and changing things. Who I am today is not the same person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow is unknown to me. All these thoughts are rushing through my head and while I want to figure them out, I love the feeling of just letting the flow take me where it wants me.

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral of a woman I knew fairly well. We had been friends but drifted apart when she moved away and I tried to help her daughter. It was too hard to be there for her child and still be her friend. I still cared about her a lot and saw a lot of good in her but she didn't or couldn't do right by this child. So I will go to her funeral and mourn with her family, hoping that she realizes that I did really care.

I say that I alienated her because of her attitude towards her daughter, but if I am truly honest then I have to admit that in the past few years I have been alienating everyone. I don't feel like I can be the friend that you all deserve, so I stick to myself and I don't allow anyone to get close to me. I have such a hard time committing to anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I am so damn lonely that it hurts. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I going crazy? Sometimes I wish I could just completely lose my mind. I'd love to just shut down and not worry about anything. I'd love to be shut in a padded room and not be inhibited. Just bounce off the walls, lol.

Anyway, this was kind of a weird entry but I wanted to write something. Thanks for reading and I promise to try and make more sense next time.