Fat Girl Dancing

Home

2011-05-31T23:38:00.005-05:00

It's been forever since I've posted!

I just got back from a month long vacation to my hometown. I miss it so much and cannot seem to figure out why I ever left. I drove into town and suddenly felt my muscles relax and excitement grow all at the same time. I didn't feel like I had to be anything other than what I am. The people in this town know me and love me for who I am. It's nice having a place like that to go to when the world gets to be too much.

Down South I feel like I'm always pretending when I'm out in public. I have to monitor myself so that I'm not too loud, too outspoken, too myself. I just don't see myself ever finding that place that I truly fit in here. Don't get me wrong, I love so many people here and I'm thankful to have met them. But I often wonder if they'd really want anything to do with me if I was completely and totally me, or would I just scare them off or offend them?

Anyway, here's a few pics of my trip and some of the people I got to reconnect with. My Mother got married, my Grandmother fought and is beating cancer (Yayy!) and my brother won his softball tournament while I was there. So all in all it was a great trip.

Top: My Mother, Grandmother and Uncle

Bottom: Myself and my Brother

My niece Hailey, we did an afternoon photoshoot just for fun. The pics turned out great and I had an awesome time with her.

The waterfalls on Cascade Street...one of my favourite places growing up.

Hailey again with my oldest niece Vicki. Aren't they absolutely beautiful?

Unfortunately on the way home I ended up dropped of in Des Moines, Iowa at 12:30 in the middle of the night. While waiting for my next bus, which was due to arrive at 1:30 I had a man who called himself "Walking Eagle" try and take my wallet and rape me. He shook me up quite a bit but thankfully some people showed up to catch their bus and called the police. They stopped him from hurting me, let me sit in their car until a bus (not even mine, mine just didn't show at all) finally arrived at 4:30, and because of them I got my wallet back.

Then, while driving through Oklahoma we encountered really bad storms and tornado activity. My daughter, husband and his service dog Fiona ended up having to hide out in a storm shelter while waiting for my bus to arrive. We are all okay though and now I'm home with them.

Giving up

2010-06-03T18:05:00.002-05:00

So I did the work, paid the fees and got my GED. I was so proud of myself for finally doing it. But it doesn't seem to have done me a damn bit of good. I have applied EVERYWHERE! I have called and bugged businesses to hire me the way I'm supposed to do. I've applied for jobs that I know I would hate, just so I could have a paycheck coming in. But no one wants me. We need at least $200 just to get through the next couple weeks and we have nothing and no way to get help. I just want to give up. Pack it all in and hope the "next life" is better than this one. I can't do this anymore. Obviously I won't take that route because it would hurt people that I love and I can't do that. But I want to.

Too long (blog and poem)

2010-01-26T00:08:00.004-06:00

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long since I've written anything. Wow! My life has changed a lot since the last time I was on here.

I guess the worst thing was that I got fired from my job. I TOTALLY 100% deserved it and I have no bad feelings towards the company or the people there. Back in August I was pretty sick with my kidneys and had to have 3 surgeries in 4 weeks. It sucked! I was missing A LOT of work so obviously my pay was really low. On top of that I was on some pretty serious pain medicine and I HAD to take food with it. Well, I tried to go to work without the pills because they made my brain really fuzzy and all I wanted to do was sleep when I took them. Unfortunately I wasn't ready to go without them :( I was feeling so much pain and had to have my pills but had absolutely no money so I took a $10 gift card that had been set aside for a prize but never picked up. I got caught and December 2nd the boss fired me. I was absolutely devestated and had no one to blame but myself.

I have spent the past month fighting extreme depression and sometimes even feeling suicidal. I have not found another job yet and the bills are piling up higher and higher. We also lost the $500 we got from Social Security for Mary because she is 19 now. I am so afraid that we are going to end up without food for ourselves or our animals. Our animals mean the world to me. There are so many times that it feels like the only one I have that I can reach out to is Noelle, my American Pit Bull Terrier. She's a handful, but she is my heart dog. Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who loves me very much. And I love him so much. So much that it hurts sometimes. But I have disappointed him so many times, in so many ways, that I think we have lost the way to each other sometimes. Neither of us were ready for each other I think. But now we are married and we love each other. Neither of us is willing to give up on our marriage, not so long as there is love.

Anyway, last week I made a decision that my life had to change. One way or another I could not continue to live the life I have been living. Either I was going to have to do something to change it positively or I was going to end up giving into the urge to kill myself. I have fought suicide for my whole life it seems and I just cannot let myself give up. I would hurt too many people. So, I was filling out yet another job application and the question came up. What grade have you completed?

I left high school part way through grade 12 because of my depression and anxiety. I couldn't handle it. I have spent so many years embarrassed and ashamed because no matter what the reasons were, technically I am a "High School Dropout". Not a title to be proud of. So when that question came up again I decided that I've had enough. I called this place called Region 9 and got signed up for GED courses. I did my Orientation on Friday and my practice test and today I went to get the results and find out where my weak points are. Apparantly I do not have any!

There were 4 tests and if it had been the actual GED I would have needed 56% to pass them. I got a 96%, a 92%, and two 86%. I scored higher than 99% of graduating high school students. So I will still be doing a few courses just to get the highest marks I can possibly achieve. But if I can ever figure out how to get the money I am going to be getting my education finally. And THEN, I am going to...COLLEGE!!! I am going to get whatever loans I am eligible for and I'm going to be something more than a cashier. I want to be someone that makes a difference, and not just this person that needs others to help ME. I want to be the one who steps in and helps friends and family get what they need to survive, instead of always being the one reaching for that hand out. I cannot wait for this new life to begin.

I wrote a poem during one the breaks at Orientation. I think it summerizes how I've been feeling perfectly.

Growing,

Finally growing into myself.

My wants, my needs, all my ambitions,

Are starting to take shape.

To form this person, this woman,

This woman that has always been,

Yes, always been a part of me.

She's been trapped,

Trapped inside this shell of myself

For far too long.

I am finished.

Finished with giving up, with quitting.

Now is the time.

Now is MY time!

I will flourish in this new place.

A garden which I have created.

I will be at peace.

Free.

I will free myself from pain.

Confusion.

Uncertainty.

I am myself.

I am me.

And I am finally, finally,

Forever free.

Car accident

2009-10-22T15:47:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone.

Got into a nasty little wreck yesterday. Our car unfortunately is smushed but Charles, Reese and I are pretty much okay. So I guess I should be grateful for that. Of course, now the worry starts about how we are going to get another car.

Today I am at work and I'm not too sure what is going on with my head. I'm super dizzy and fuzzy minded. I am having a hard time concentrating on the smallest things. I don't know if I hit my head or not. There is no bump or anything but I've had a headache since it happened and now the dizziness. It's got me a bit concerned but I cannot afford to leave work because of it. I'm going to try and finish out my shift. At least tomorrow I only work a 4-5 hour shift and it's not until the evening. I just really hope I don't pass out, which is what it feels like I'm going to do.

I don't know if we're going to be able to take pictures of the car. The wreckers took it and it's being evaluated or whatever it is the insurance company does to it. We've got a rental right now and that's the only really good thing about all this. It's a pastel green VW Bug. It's so funny seeing Charles in it because he really doesn't like them at all. I've always loved them, although I prefer the older style.

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say right now. Just on a lunch break so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Feast or Famine

2009-08-09T23:49:00.002-05:00

I have learned something about myself. I am not a good dieter. LOL, I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, but I don't mean it in the traditional way. Obviously I am not good at sticking to a diet. After awhile I get completely frustrated and bored with it, especially since a normal diet does not help me at all because of PCOS. What I really mean though, is that it's an all or nothing thing with me.

After getting up to 296 pounds I finally started taking Metformin. For awhile it wasn't doing any good at all, other than making me not feel too good. But I stuck with it and got my dose doubled. (Doc wanted to triple it but you have to take it with food and I cannot eat 3 meals a day!) Well, the weight has started to go down and for about a week I was losing about a pound every two days. Unlike most people who would be excited about that I just started stressing. You see, if I can lose 1 pound in two days, something in my brain thinks if I eat a bit less I can lose a pound in ONE day. And if I can lose a pound a day, why not TWO pounds a day, etc...

I think my head is back on track now, at least FOR now but I have to be so careful. I don't want to slip into bulimic thinking, or go the other way and give up because I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to.

On a totally different note,

I HAVE A JOB!!!!! After 6 years of going back and forth to Canada and working there...after not being allowed to work in the United States...I finally have my Green Card, SSN, and a job. I've even got my first paycheck, LMAO. I got a check for $25.85 for 3 hours worth of training and orientation. I have never been so proud of such a small amount. My "real" paychecks start at the end of next week, but this one was special. I even paid a teeny tiny bit of tax, lol.

I am...

2009-06-22T12:48:00.003-05:00

bar⋅ren
–adjective
1.not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile: a barren woman.
2.unproductive; unfruitful: barren land.
3.without capacity to interest or attract: a barren period in American architecture.
4.mentally unproductive; dull; stupid.
5.not producing results; fruitless: a barren effort.
6.destitute; bereft; lacking (usually fol. by of): barren of tender feelings.

—Synonyms. childless, unprolific, infertile. infertile, depleted, waste, ineffectual, ineffective.

See some of those words? Unproductive, no capacity to attract, stupid, lacking, ineffectual, waste

That last one is the worst. I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't have a baby, be a Mother. It's all I've ever wanted in this world, and the one thing I am without. What is the point of woman if not to bear children?

In the Pagan world the Goddess has three faces...The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. Have I completely skipped a step? I know I am no longer a maiden, so am I now a crone?

I feel like I don't mean anything. I have nothing to leave behind. When I am gone, I am gone completely.

How do I accept the unacceptable? How do I wake up each day knowing that there is no Jade Amber, no Braden Sebastian? How do I continue to care with a broken and barren heart?

I know my husband is tired of it all. I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I don't want to go to bed at night. When I do finally fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I babysit and my heart breaks. I do a clown gig and my heart breaks. I watch TV and see all the happy families and Mothers with their children and my heart breaks.

So how do I accept the unacceptable? Please tell me because I really do not know.

Warning, personal "woman stuff" in this blog

2009-04-20T10:59:00.004-05:00

Hi everyone! I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. There's been A LOT going on!

As you know, I had my immigration appointment and was told I needed another medical from an INS approved doctor. Well, thanks to a really cool lady (no names being given) I was able to get that last week. Everything turned out great and I've sent the medical packet off to INS but while I was seeing the doctor she decided to go ahead and just do a normal check up on top of the immigration medical. I told her about having PCOD (PCOS) and she immediately gave me a prescription for Metformin. Metformin works by changing the way the body processes sugars and carbs, which is a big cause of PCOD. I am on 500mgs once a day so far, but will ask to have my prescription doubled since I'm not having any problems at this dose at all. Some people go up to 2000mgs a day but I will probably stop at 1000mgs. I really hope I will soon start to see a difference.

I have also been on my period for 15 days now. I only started the Metformin 5 days ago so I know it's not because of that. Maybe my body is finally going to start doing what it's supposed to and this is just getting rid of all the crap that's built up over the years of not having a proper period. Every 6 months or so I've gotten a period that's just kind of like spotting; it lasts a couple days and than goes away for another half of a year. This one is not doing that, lol.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a beauty queen or a skinny mini model type person. I'd love to be a size 16-18....maybe 180-200 pounds. I would love to have the energy AND the ability to go jogging....or even to walk a couple of miles with Noelle. I would love to have my husband look at me and see beauty and sexiness. But more than even that, I would love to go to Walmart's plus size section and be able to try on an outfit without being embarrassed because they don't have it in my size.

Immigration and more

2009-04-03T02:03:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! I am finally done with my immigration interview. I can't believe it was only about 5 minutes! 6 years to wait for it and then when it finally came it was over with so quickly. It looks like everything is going to be okay. (big sigh of relief) I have to have another medical done, which sucks because I have to pay $175 but thanks to a special person I know it isn't going to be a problem. Once I send in the paperwork from the medical exam I SHOULD be getting my permanent residency (Green Card) in the mail. Then I can get a job and pay everyone back that has been so amazing with us.

The day before our appointment, which is two hours away, our car died. Not just a little death, but a big one. Completely impossible for us to fix. So Charles' Stepfather took us for the appointment. When we got home we got a phone call from Charles' sister who told us that she was going to lend us enough money for the down payment on a car. Amazing woman. I really love her and hope someday we can make her feel as good as she made us feel that day. So we've now got a 2005 Malibu Maxx called Maxine. She is gorgeous!!! It's a dark, metallic blue car but in some lights it appears to be purple. It's a hatchback and it's SHINY!!

lol, you have to forgive me. Our last car was a 1989 Oldsmobile and although she did as good as possible, she wasn't pretty. In fact, I named her Betty after the show Ugly Betty.

I'm sorry, I'm just really proud to be driving something that doesn't look like it should have been retired 10 years ago.

Tattoo

2009-03-25T20:28:00.003-05:00

So my appointment with USA Immigration is on Monday and I am terrified. They have so much power and there is not much I can do at this point other then hope. They could make it so that I have no choice but to move back to Canada.

If that happens I will lose everything. My husband, my home, even my dog since she is illegal in Ontario. One of the worst things is that I will lose my daughter. It will kill me if that happens because I do not know if I will ever see any of them again. Canada is a long way away and financially I can't see either Charles or Mary being able to get there very often, if at all. I want to cry every time I even think about it.

So Mary and I went yesterday and got matching tattoos. Now, just in case something does happen and I have to leave, we will have this lifetime memento of how much we mean to each other. The cherries are for our last name, the pentagram is me and the cross is her.

I think a big part of me is expecting to have to say goodbye. If I am denied my permanent residency here I don't even know how long they give me until I have to leave. I've just been falling apart lately and to protect myself from pain I'm doing the only thing I know how to do. I'm pulling my emotions back from the people here. Then maybe it won't feel as bad for any of us if I have to get on yet another plane and say goodbye.

Oh My God!!!!

2009-03-20T05:02:00.004-05:00

So today I went to Wal-mart and decided to try on a bathing suit that I've been looking at for a few weeks now. I will not be getting it. I looked like a overstuffed sausage link. Nasty.

Okay, so you know how changing room lighting is horrible and it makes just about everyone look pasty and unhealthy? Well, I was having to look at myself in a full length mirror, with that ugly lighting, in a god-AWFUL bathing suit when I saw them.

I sat down and cried for a few minutes. Then every time I saw an older woman I had to fight the tears again. Yes, I am going white! I've been finding the odd white hair since I was about 19. Nothing to worry about.

Today, I found six, right together, at the center of my hairline above my forehead. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dyed my hair tonight. I am 29 years old and there is NO WAY I am going to have white hair for all the world to see!

Okay, that's enough of that. Here's some pictures of the new haircolour.

It's not quite as dark as it looks in the pics, but you get the idea.

Me being an idiot and posing all "sexy".

Tired woman

2009-03-18T01:21:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep yet again. So many thoughts run through my mind this time of night and I can't shut them off. My immigration appointment is coming up on the 30th. This will decide if I am allowed to stay in the United States or if I will have to go back to Canada. So I'm nervous about that. Will my family stay together? What happens if I do have to go back? Will I lose my "Heart Dog"? Where would I go? Will I have to get a divorce from my husband? And of course, my insecurites about that. Maybe he'd be happy if I have to leave. Lord knows I'm not the easiest person to live with. Maybe my expectations of him are too high.

Then if I do get to stay, what will I do with the rest of my life? Will I end up being a 50 year old cashier regretting all the things I didn't do with myself? Will I ever have a child? Without medical that is HIGHLY unlikely and I will probably never get medical here. Will my relationship improve once the INS worries are gone? Not that it's bad now. I love him and I know he loves me, but after 6 years of struggling financially, being together constantly, and being two very, VERY different people, there are definitely issues there.

I hate not having any clue what my future holds, even the most basic things.

Beautiful women

2009-03-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

Christina Ricci, BEFORE she became a bobblehead doll. Gorgeous woman.

Drew Barrymore...whether she is thin or curvy, she is always stunning.

Pauley Perrette...not afraid to be herself.

The next pics are random pictures I found on Google. I think they are amazingly beautiful.

My Mother...no matter what happens in her life she keeps going. And looks beautiful while doing it.

My Grandmother...she is an inspiration to me. She is such a strong woman but at the same time she makes sure we know that she loves us.

My Sister. I just wish SHE could see how beautiful she is.

And every once in awhile...my brother. (The blonde beside my Mother.) lmao, this was for Hallowe'en in '08 and I just HAD to put it up here.

Sports illustrated swimsuit edition

2009-03-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

So I'm going to challenge myself a little bit this year. If I can get the bathing suit I want (I have to get the money for it AND it has to fit) I'm going to take a pic of myself and put it up here. I need to come up with about $40 for it. No specific reason, I don't want empty compliments or anything like that, I just want to push myself a little extra to accept myself the way that I am. I need to start coming up with challenges and things to put myself in different situations. Sitting at home in my house dress is not going to help me at all. Don't worry, I'm not getting a bikini or anything. It's a normal, plus size bathing suit.

I am SO tired of hating myself and being angry at the world because of some bad choices that I have made. I've got two options, I either deal with my life the way that it is or I change it. A few things are not within my power at this time, some things are but I am not ready to make the changes I have to make but I can on others....like the way I see myself. So I'll try to work on that.

That's about all I've got to say right now. Hugs and kisses to everyone!

Not ready for this! and baby jealousy

2009-02-24T20:08:00.000-06:00

Ugh! Today it got up to 84 Farenheit. That is 29 Celcius. It is FEBRUARY!!!! Summer in Texas means having a whore bath (using a cloth and cool, soapy water to wash the "stinky" parts) 3-4 times a day, actual showers at least once a day if not twice, not sleeping well, rashes in icky places, and not much exercise because I cannot handle heat. I don't want an early summer. If it was up to me there would only be three seasons, Spring, Fall and Winter.

Spring would last 6 months and the temp would range from 10C - 18C. (50F - 64F)

Fall would be 3 months and temps would be from -5Celcius up to about 10 degrees. (23F - 50F)

And Winter would be from -5 down to about -15. (23F - 5F) There WOULD be lots of snow for winter. It would also last about 3 months and would go from the beginning of November to the end of January.

I think even my Mom would be okay with that part although she really likes Summer. I don't think I am asking too much.

In other news, I have started taking Cinnamon and Chromium pills to help balance my sugars and carbs in my body. It might actually be working. I've lost about 5 pounds so far. I just have to remember to take it twice a day. I've never been really good about remembering my pills.

I had a dream the other night that every female in my household, even my spayed animals, were all pregnant except for me. I woke up in tears because sometimes it feels true. Everyone around me gets pregnant fairly easily and so many people in my life have children that they don't care for properly. To them their kids are just a "job" or a "nuisance". Accidents that they don't really want but have anyway. So many times I've had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt out that I will take their child from them. I know I can't do that because even though they don't really care about their kids, they wouldn't want anyone else to have them. It's like their children are property. When they are cute and sweet they love them, but when they misbehave or don't learn things just the way the parents want them to, they are "brats". I'd give anything to have a "brat" of my own.

Miracle of life...or curse?

2009-02-16T00:33:00.000-06:00

Hi again!

As those who read my Bully Breed Buddies Blog know, one week ago I brought a rabbit home that I got from someone on Freecycle. They thought it was a little girl rabbit but well, it wasn't. It's a boy! I didn't find this out until after he had spent the whole day with our two females in their free run room. He has DEFINITELY mated with one of the females (that's how I found out he was male, lol) but I am not sure of the other. We have named him Cupid in honor of the time of year, AND his favorite pasttime!

So chances are almost 100 percent that we are going to have little baby bunnies running around in just a few more months. It takes about thirty days for the pregnancy but they do not leave the nest until about two weeks of age.

Normally I do not find myself in this kind of situation. All our dogs and cats are spayed or neutered and if I had thought to double check the new rabbit he would NOT have had access to our females. I don't agree with breeding random animals, especially when I'm not ready for them! I do have to admit though, even though I'm upset and nervous that this is happening, I'm also a little excited to have the miracle of life happening in my home.

lol, if it can't be me breeding like a rabbit, it might as well be my rabbit right?????

What is PCOS?

2009-01-28T04:28:00.000-06:00

For those of you who do not know what it is, let me explain a bit about PCOS.

PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal disorder among women. 6 to 10% of women have this disorder and do not know that they even have it.

This disorder can affect a woman's fertility, hormones, menstrual cycle, production of insulin, blood vessels, heart and appearance. There are ways that a doctor will be able to tell if a woman has PCOS by some of the characteristics that are presented. The characteristics that doctors look for are: the high levels of a male hormone, which can cause facial hair, irregular or no menstrual cycle and there may be some cysts on the ovaries. The cysts are fluid filled sacs.

No one knows the exact cause of PCOS. Women with PCOS frequently have a mother or sister with PCOS. But there is not yet enough evidence to say there is a genetic link to this disorder. Many women with PCOS have a weight problem. So researchers are looking at the relationship between PCOS and the body's ability to make insulin. Insulin is a hormone that regulates the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body's use or for storage. Since some women with PCOS make too much insulin, it's possible that the ovaries react by making too many male hormones, called androgens. This can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and ovulation problems.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. They may start to grow and accumulate fluid. But no one egg becomes large enough. Instead, some may remain as cysts. Since no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Also, the cysts produce male hormones, which continue to prevent ovulation.

There are certain signs and symptoms that determine if a woman has PCOS. Some of the signs are: absence of menstrual cycle or irregular cycles, infertility or no ability to become pregnant because of not being able to ovulate, increasing hair growth on the face or stomach, pelvic pain, acne or oily skin, extreme weight gain around the waist, type 2 diabetes (caused by the extreme weight gain in the mid section), high cholesterol, high blood pressure, thinning hair, patches of dark skin around the neck or arms, and sleep apnea. As far as the high cholesterol and high blood pressure, that is associated with the type 2 diabetes

There is no cure for PCOS; however, there are treatments to help manage this disorder. The ways that a woman can manage this disorder are: birth control pills, medication for diabetes such as metformin (glucophage), medicine for fertility, medicine for increased hair growth or extra male hormones, surgery and last but not least is getting down to a healthy weight.

Unfortunately, with disorder comes the risk of developing other serious conditions. Irregular menstrual periods and the absence of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Without progesterone, which causes the endometrium to shed each month as a menstrual period, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy bleeding or irregular bleeding. Eventually, this can lead to cancer. Women with PCOS are also at higher risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Getting the symptoms under control at an earlier age may help to reduce this risk.Right now, doctors are doing the best they can and doing more research about this disorder. There is hope for all the women who are faced with PCOS. There are doctors out there who specialize in the hormones and the reproductive system. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/240411/polycystic_ovarian_syndrome_definition.html?cat=52

I normally shave my face EVERY day to make sure that the hair is hidden. But I purposely left it alone for three days so I could take pics and post them on here.

PCOS could kill me

2009-01-19T02:15:00.000-06:00

So I just found out some awful information about a disease I have called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. Apparantly it is one of the leading causes of uterine and cervical cancer. Because I am not able to be treated I am at an extremely high risk and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So now I have to deal with my weight, hair in places that hair doesn't belong, the inability to get pregnant, and a high chance of getting a "woman's" cancer. It kinda makes it seem like it just isn't worth it anymore.

I found out that because I have PCOS the ONLY way I can possibly lose weight is to go on a very strict "no white foods" diet. No carbs, sugar or dairy. That means no pasta, breads, cereal. Most of the soups I eat use milk. Almost everything we eat as a family has carb rich foods like bread and pasta in it because that is all we can afford. I'm almost 300 pounds and I feel like I am completely losing control of everything in my life. This blog was supposed to be about me accepting my body the way it is, but this is getting to be too much. It's ridiculous. I could accept myself at 225 or even 250 because then at least I could go into Wal-Mart and buy an outfit. But if this keeps going I won't even have that option.

On a happier note, the whole family got out for a nice walk with the dogs today. We went to Sike's Lake and just enjoyed the beautiful sunshine we are blessed with right now. It was so nice to get out with Charles and Mary and just do something that doesn't involve eating, TV or movies. Hopefully it's something we can start to do more often.

Anyway, I don't have anything else going on right now. Just trying to deal with this new load of information and keep my sanity.

Free flowing thoughts (kinda weird)

2008-11-11T21:33:00.000-06:00

Life is so short. So often the days seem to drag on and on, and it doesn't seem like anything changes. But then one morning you wake up and nothing is the same anymore. I wonder why time is such a confusing thing.

Death, birth, life itself is constantly moving, and changing things. Who I am today is not the same person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow is unknown to me. All these thoughts are rushing through my head and while I want to figure them out, I love the feeling of just letting the flow take me where it wants me.

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral of a woman I knew fairly well. We had been friends but drifted apart when she moved away and I tried to help her daughter. It was too hard to be there for her child and still be her friend. I still cared about her a lot and saw a lot of good in her but she didn't or couldn't do right by this child. So I will go to her funeral and mourn with her family, hoping that she realizes that I did really care.

I say that I alienated her because of her attitude towards her daughter, but if I am truly honest then I have to admit that in the past few years I have been alienating everyone. I don't feel like I can be the friend that you all deserve, so I stick to myself and I don't allow anyone to get close to me. I have such a hard time committing to anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I am so damn lonely that it hurts. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I going crazy? Sometimes I wish I could just completely lose my mind. I'd love to just shut down and not worry about anything. I'd love to be shut in a padded room and not be inhibited. Just bounce off the walls, lol.

Anyway, this was kind of a weird entry but I wanted to write something. Thanks for reading and I promise to try and make more sense next time.

Pain and confusion, sounds like an emo song

2008-10-23T01:30:00.000-05:00

So I lost one of my best friends on Sunday. Tacky has been with me since 1999 and has seen and heard so much of my heartache. I don't know what I'll do without him. He was one of the best cats I've ever had and I had him longer then any other animal. I know this has nothing to do with body image and all that but he was so important to me that I feel I need to write about him.

As far as my body image goes, it's been real low lately. I'm participating in this 4 week workshop called Figure Fabulous. A friend of mine is running it and asked me to help with a bunch of the behind the scenes stuff. For payment I got to attend the workshop for free. ($100 is what I would have to pay otherwise.) I thought maybe it would be okay, because the focus is supposed to be on the mind. But what I didn't realize is that the focus is actually on "Changing your mind to change your body". So basically it's going against everything I'm trying to do in my life, which is ACCEPT MYSELF THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS BODY!

I guess I still do want to lose weight, but I don't want it to be the whole reason for living. Life is too short. I just want to live it while I can. I have to admit, I would like to lose enough to feel comfortable again. As it is my stomach feels like a lead weight sitting on my lap. That part does drive me crazy. I don't know, I am just rambling at this point so I will sign off for now.

Hugs, kisses and belly bumps!

Introduction

2008-07-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I guess I'm supposed to introduce myself a little bit on here, or at least explain my blogging. I am fighting a battle here and everywhere. This isn't a blog about losing weight. Yes, I go to the gym. Yes, I try to eat healthy. Therefore there's a chance that some weight loss may occur since this health stuff is all new to me. However, I'm not TRYING to lose weight. My whole life I've tried to lose weight and you know what? I've just kept gaining. I've tried every diet that I could. I've beat myself up. I'm not doing that anymore. My life focus is now to just be as healthy as I possibly can and to learn to love myself. That isn't easy. This blog is about THAT battle. Did you know that the average woman is a size 14? Not a 6, or a 4, and definitely not the 2 or 0 that the media tries to force on us. Did you know that in some countries, countries that have not been Americanized, fat is considered beautiful? Yup, it's seen as a sign of wealth to have a fat wife.

Now I'm not saying to sit around and eat chocolate and cake all day and expect to be healthy. You DO have to exercise. You DO have to eat healthy and as natural as possible. Trans fat is bad. High fructose corn syrup is even worse. Too much sugar, fat of any kind or calories is bad. But you don't have to starve to be healthy. You don't have to starve to be beautiful.

Anyway, that's me. My blog will be about my life and my struggle to feel pretty when the world tells me that I'm not.