Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Too long (blog and poem)

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long since I've written anything. Wow! My life has changed a lot since the last time I was on here.





I guess the worst thing was that I got fired from my job. I TOTALLY 100% deserved it and I have no bad feelings towards the company or the people there. Back in August I was pretty sick with my kidneys and had to have 3 surgeries in 4 weeks. It sucked! I was missing A LOT of work so obviously my pay was really low. On top of that I was on some pretty serious pain medicine and I HAD to take food with it. Well, I tried to go to work without the pills because they made my brain really fuzzy and all I wanted to do was sleep when I took them. Unfortunately I wasn't ready to go without them :( I was feeling so much pain and had to have my pills but had absolutely no money so I took a $10 gift card that had been set aside for a prize but never picked up. I got caught and December 2nd the boss fired me. I was absolutely devestated and had no one to blame but myself.





I have spent the past month fighting extreme depression and sometimes even feeling suicidal. I have not found another job yet and the bills are piling up higher and higher. We also lost the $500 we got from Social Security for Mary because she is 19 now. I am so afraid that we are going to end up without food for ourselves or our animals. Our animals mean the world to me. There are so many times that it feels like the only one I have that I can reach out to is Noelle, my American Pit Bull Terrier. She's a handful, but she is my heart dog. Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who loves me very much. And I love him so much. So much that it hurts sometimes. But I have disappointed him so many times, in so many ways, that I think we have lost the way to each other sometimes. Neither of us were ready for each other I think. But now we are married and we love each other. Neither of us is willing to give up on our marriage, not so long as there is love.





Anyway, last week I made a decision that my life had to change. One way or another I could not continue to live the life I have been living. Either I was going to have to do something to change it positively or I was going to end up giving into the urge to kill myself. I have fought suicide for my whole life it seems and I just cannot let myself give up. I would hurt too many people. So, I was filling out yet another job application and the question came up. What grade have you completed?





I left high school part way through grade 12 because of my depression and anxiety. I couldn't handle it. I have spent so many years embarrassed and ashamed because no matter what the reasons were, technically I am a "High School Dropout". Not a title to be proud of. So when that question came up again I decided that I've had enough. I called this place called Region 9 and got signed up for GED courses. I did my Orientation on Friday and my practice test and today I went to get the results and find out where my weak points are. Apparantly I do not have any!





There were 4 tests and if it had been the actual GED I would have needed 56% to pass them. I got a 96%, a 92%, and two 86%. I scored higher than 99% of graduating high school students. So I will still be doing a few courses just to get the highest marks I can possibly achieve. But if I can ever figure out how to get the money I am going to be getting my education finally. And THEN, I am going to...COLLEGE!!! I am going to get whatever loans I am eligible for and I'm going to be something more than a cashier. I want to be someone that makes a difference, and not just this person that needs others to help ME. I want to be the one who steps in and helps friends and family get what they need to survive, instead of always being the one reaching for that hand out. I cannot wait for this new life to begin.





I wrote a poem during one the breaks at Orientation. I think it summerizes how I've been feeling perfectly.





Growing,

Finally growing into myself.

My wants, my needs, all my ambitions,

Are starting to take shape.

To form this person, this woman,

This woman that has always been,

Yes, always been a part of me.

She's been trapped,

Trapped inside this shell of myself

For far too long.

I am finished.

Finished with giving up, with quitting.

Now is the time.

Now is MY time!

I will flourish in this new place.

A garden which I have created.

I will be at peace.

Free.

I will free myself from pain.

Confusion.

Uncertainty.

I am myself.

I am me.

And I am finally, finally,

Forever free.